IC: Understanding identity

I’ve been trying to write this blog post for too long, maybe because actually addressing what makes you, you...is very difficult. Especially when you’re at a stage in which you are learning more about yourself. According to dictionary.com, identity is, ‘the qualities and beliefs...that distinguish or identify a person or thing’ or ‘the condition of being oneself’. Despite such a clean cut definition for it, for most people it’s inevitable that they will go through an identity crisis. So in this blog post I'm going to talk about what contributed to my identity and how I’m learning more about myself.

*I also find it slightly annoying that I'm not central*

My dad came to London in 1984 (during the early years of the Srilankan Civil War - we can talk about this another time) and my mum came to London after she married my dad. Both my parents struggled and made a living in a foreign country but simultaneously raised three girls. My mum did everything in her power to raise her children aware of their culture, language and heritage. My dad spent our entire childhood working multiple jobs to bring an income to our household. In addition to my own culture, I had to familiarise myself with British culture and traditions as I started going to school.

In regards to my Tamil heritage, it’d be silly to go on without (briefly) mentioning the war. The war officially ended in 2009 but it was never safe for Tamils to return. My first visit back to Tamil Eelam (the parts of Sri lanka in which Tamil’s reside) was in 2015. Somehow it felt like home, though it was very foreign, I was comfortable. A memorable part of my first visit was not the COUNTLESS temples but actually a visit to an orphanage for displaced children. These kids were welcoming, some were shy whilst others were boisterous but all of them were curious. We had visited because my mum had paid for all their lunches, so we came with food but were blessed with the opportunity to meet them all. 

My next visit to Tamil Eelam was in 2019, I was older, wiser and more interested in exploring my country. I actually made my classic excel sheet of where I want to go and what I want to see. There were two things on this visit that moved me: 

1. The boy on the train who wanted to become an optometrist.

2. The men who had become disabled after the war and lived in a nursing home.

Both these encounters gave me a certain level of understanding with regards to how Tamils were living after the war that had ended 10 years ago. Let me correct myself, they weren’t living...they were just about surviving.

There’s a lot of things I love about being Tamil but recently a thought crossed my mind...Where is home, when your home isn’t somewhere you can go? So that brings us to the UK. I was born here. Till about the age of 13, I didn’t see myself as different from the peers I went to school with and I was ignorant to the ongoing war in my home country. As I learned more about myself and became conscious of those around me. I realised I love London and to a certain extent London does love me too but London is just a safe place. London isn’t home. 

I love the city. I’m grateful to my immigrant parents who came here. I was given an opportunity that not everyone was given. I had the opportunity to go to university and get a degree - despite the stressful british education system. I was warm in the winter. I always had access to food. I have a loving family but most of all, I never had to run from town to town wondering if I’d live to see the next sunrise. I’m at a stage in life where I’m finding and understanding my roots. Many things are very traumatising to read so I’m steadily pacing myself through it because I have that luxury. The purpose of my current journey is to learn how to give back to those back home, in Tamil Eelam who weren’t given the same opportunity as me but probably have more potential.

Thank you for reading :)

P.S. IC stands for Identity Crisis because I'm sure I'll make more posts with regards to Identity.